This is a blog of my personal journey to find grace.
March 29th, 2012
There is always light after darkness!
It was a long 24 hours but I really went within and focused on some very deep and dark issues. In my meditation, I decided to “box-up” some of the items that I realized no longer serve me. I tied each box tightly with a small ribbon and placed it on a raft. I then lit the box on fire and sent the raft out into the beautiful blue ocean. Mother nature will know what to do with it, I surmised.
When we are able to go within for such an extended period of time, many of life’s greatest secrets are revealed to us and with those secrets come much clarity. For me that clarity revealed the light after a long period of darkness; I felt reborn!!
For those of you that are Oprah fans…this afternoon I saw her leaving the Casa! I am hoping to load a photo for you on the photos page! It’s funny, under normal circumstances I would have felt very differently about seeing her…like eager to get her autograph or a photo with her but it is far too sacred here and although I am still fascinated by her, she is definitely second to my own healing. But I must say I am thrilled thinking she will help validate what I have felt and experienced here! :) And for those of you that wondered why I needed to travel so far for healing…now you will know why! :)
Tonight my stitches from last week’s surgery are to be removed. There is a small ritual of placing blessed water by your bedside before retiring, dressing all in white and letting the entities know that they can remove the stitches. Then drinking the water in the morning. Fascinating isn’t it?
Tomorrow morning I will spend in the Current room and tomorrow afternoon I will go through the “Bye Bye” line for any final instructions or words from John of God/the entities. Very sad to think this part of my journey is coming to an end! :( But boy do I miss my family!!
You all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! xo
March 28th, 2012
This will be quick! I just wanted you all to know that I am scheduled for another surgery this afternoon and will again be in silence for 24 hours!! Oh boy...pray for me! :)
This morning Oprah's crew was filming right next to us at the Casa (I am on there somewhere) and John of God performed at least 5 physical surgeries!!! It was unbelievable! I am going to try to post a picture but I have been having problems doing so, so you may have to wait until I get home. If you do try to view the photos page...allow it to load..it is very slow! xo
UPDATE: I was able to load a few pictures. One is of one of the surgeries!! The guy that is looking on, slightly balding, gray hair and a stache...well, he is a doctor from NYC. John of God in entity KNEW that the kid having the surgery had a tumor somewhere in his chest. I watched on as John felt around for it and once it was found he motioned for the Dr. to come over and feel it...he did and shook his head as if he agreed that it was there. Then John of God cut this man, moved his fingers around inside and sewed him up. The man barely bled!! The Dr. got up and spoke afterwards saying he couldn't explain it. There was definitely a mass that John of God touched and somehow made disappear!! He also could not explain the other surgeries such as the scraping of the eyes without the woman so much as blinking!! I do have some video I will share with you all at some point. But I am SURE when Oprah's comes out it will be MUCH better!! Off to the Casa now for suregery. xo
March 27th, 2012
Each time we conquer a fear, we know ourself a little better.
Last night was one of the most difficult nights I have had here. At one thirty in the morning, long after everyone had settled in, I jolted upright in bed out of a sound sleep screaming for my mother!! That’s right…at my age (and we all I know I won‘t put that number in writing)…I was actually calling for my mother! As my grogginess began to dissipate a bit it suddenly dawned on me why I had been so startled. I had actually felt someone’s hand run right across my body! Shivers ran up my spine and I quickly hid under the covers!
As I shook under the covers like a 5 year old, the parent in me finally took over and began to reason with the five year old me! Can you imagine this sight? I mean seriously…any of it? LOL First I was able to convince myself that turning on the light would be the easiest way to prove there was nothing and/or no one in the room. Once this step was completed, the parent-me was then required to check under the bed and in the bathroom. We all know the routine! :) Nothing…so “we” agreed to leave the table lamp on.
Laying there wide awake with the room lit up like a Christmas tree, I wanted to make excuses for what had happened. I tried to justify that it was just a bad dream, a misinterpretation, entanglement in the sheets, etc. But in the end it boiled down to my sleeping habits. As many of you know I sleep like a rock and there is nothing, and I mean nothing, that I am waking up for! Except, of course, if I am suddenly touched by someone in a bed that I am presumably alone in. Even that one isn’t sneaking through my subconscious without setting off the alarm! :)
In the end I was able to convince myself that I was safe in Abadiania as I have been told many times that it is protected by the entities. And therefore I had to also assume that whatever transpired was perfectly safe as I too must be protected.
Of course, first thing in the morning I had to text my momma!! She suggested I talk to my guide, Josie, and so with some trepidation (out of embarrassment) I approached her. I really thought she was going to ask if I was on any meds!! LOL Thankfully she didn’t, she instead listened with an open mind and heart and asked a few probing questions about my past. Within a few short minutes she stated that she was intuitively confident that the entities had come to me to help me release some “stuff” that existed on a very deep subconscious level. It suddenly made sense and in that moment I realized that through conquering my fear I had actually grown a bit in my understanding of myself!! And that “gifts” really are found in some of our most fearful moments! <3
On a lighter note 12 people in my group decided to venture back to the Sacred Waterfall today. I was surprised to find that it was just as awe-inspiring the second time as it was the first! After my turn in the waterfall I was walking back alone and stopped on this bridge-like structure to take in the beauty around me and just thank God for this spectacular moment in life! Then suddenly, within arms reach, appeared the two Blue Morpho butterflies AGAIN! Unbelievable how they danced in front of me as if to rejoice in my transformation with me! I watched them until they flew off in separate directions dancing to their own music and I knew they were my confirmation that I had done “good work” the night before! :)
Lastly, it has been confirmed that the OWN crew (about 10 people so far) is here so there is some speculation that Oprah will be here tomorrow or is here now and just hiding out today. The verdict is still out on how I feel about this. I know it sounds crazy but there is a part of me that wants to be able to continue to focus my energy on myself and my prayers. I just worry that I would be distracted by Oprah. You guys are probably laughing your butts off about this huh? LOL
Thanks so much for your posts everyone…even loving the multiple ones Laurie and Dawn!! I look popular! You two crack me up! Especially because I am pretty certain I would have done the same thing!! LOL You all continue to be in my prayers and meditations! Please let me know if there is any prayer request that you would like me to place in the triangle on your behalf. And don’t ask for Oprah’s autograph!! Tomorrow I go before John of God again to determine if I need another surgery and/or revision surgery. Will keep you posted. Lots of love!!
March 26th, 2012
Live each day with purpose and know you are alive!
Today I had the most amazing experience at the Sacred Waterfall!!
Hidden deep in mother nature exists the most beautiful and yet simple place I have ever seen! Walking down to the waterfall felt familiar to me…as if somehow I already knew this place. We waited on a “bridge-like” structure for each of us to have our five minutes (or less) beneath the rushing water. And as we stood in line waiting, a small but extremely colorful butterfly made its way down the line landing on each of us as it went…for some people it lingered longer than others. I remember watching it open and close its wings on Polly’s arm for nearly five whole minutes and on then again Karen’s back while she walked along the bridge and it stayed there right up until the moment that she went under the waterfall. All the while I anxiously awaited my turn and was extremely disappointed when it flew away just two people ahead of me. In true Sunni fashion I took this as some type of rejection...like really, even the butterfly doesn’t think I am good enough? What a pathetic feeling but in the moment I couldn’t help but wonder.
As my turn approached, Josie guided me down the rocks to the waterfall and gave me a few brief instructions such as “make sure you get completely wet”, “run the water directly on any areas of concern”, “and make sure to release anything that no longer serves you”. Easier said then done I thought but I also knew Josie would be helping from the sidelines as I had watched her arms move in a rhythmic motion appearing to be assisting others with their release. My assumption is/was that this had something to do with her Shamanistic practices.
As the water hit me my body I immediately began to gasp for air. I am unclear if this was from the sheer weight of water or the temperature (it was freezing)!! In the hollowness of the center of the waterfall, carved out from my body, I could hear my quiet moans and suddenly remembered the instructions that Josie had given me just moments before. I began to release and with that came a flood of emotions and the subsequent tears. As I emerged, I thanked God for the fact that I was wet and could hopefully hide the fact that I was bawling like a baby!! But when I got back to Josie she hugged me and said “That was powerful for you.; there were two Blue Morpho butterflies circling you while you were under the falls.” She kissed my cheek and I went to the bench to towel off and process. I later learned from her that those butterflies represent transformation and that this is an off-season time for them. She told me it is very rare to see them this time of year! Pretty special huh? To see a picture of these butterflies, check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morpho
I also wanted to tell you that yesterday I dropped of some items for washing. For $2.00 (per item) my filthy clay spotted white pants were hand washed, line dried and ironed. What a simple way of life here…so modest, so humble, so pure…and ultimately so beautiful! I can hear the scrubbing of clothes on a washboard for hours each day. In the beautiful sunshine with the spectacular view…can you imagine the peace that is felt in some of those moments? Don’t get me wrong I am sure there are times when this woman grows tired of doing laundry by hand but back home we have so many “things” to make our lives easier that we have actually complicated it (with maintenance and what not) and lost the ability to see the beauty in the everyday. I can assure you that the woman that hand laundered my clothes has purpose each day! I am glad I was able to take note of this day and allow this woman to inspire me as I too want to live my life with purpose!! I am off my sunni soap box now! :)
For those of you that sent pictures in (herbs or not) I wanted to remind you of the importance of staying open and my guide Josie also suggested that you say a prayer or set an intent to give the entities permission to work on you.
Thank you all for your wonderful messages!! I feel so far away so it is truly comforting to read your posts and makes me feel connected to “home”! I love you all and miss you! xo
March 25th, 2012
Be true to yourself and do what makes your heart sing!
Last night me and a friend from the group, Polly, decided to head over to the Casa to take photos as we heard you can sometimes capture orbs. Like two little school girls we got our cameras and ran over there only to find that the gates were closed so we stood outside for a bit taking pictures in the road and then decided to try some of each other (that we both pinky promised would never make it to facebook - lol)! Twice when Polly attempted to take a photo of me she said something white zigzagged in front of the camera!! Yet, it did not show up in the picture. She was so convinced she saw something that she then tried to video me and it happened again but still NOTHING on camera! So we decided to stick our cameras through the gates and take random pictures of the grounds to try to capture whatever seemed to be around us. Sure enough…on my very first attempt I had a nice pinkish orb show up!! I have been told that pink represents love so I am going with that! And Polly captured some blue mist…not sure what blue represents but it was pretty cool looking!
This morning after eating breakfast I walked out to the streets to head over to the Casa for services and right in the middle of the streets of Abadiania (ahbah-geeahyna), next to a hotel eating grass was the sweetest wild white horse. He looked so out of place yet I felt as if he was there for me. There were very few people out and no one else seemed to take notice. I stood for a few moments simply breathless and then I motioned to one of the women in my group (Susan) to come over and have a look. She too was surprised and told me how she believes animals speak to us and carry messages and that this horse carried a message for me. I tried to recall a dream about a horse I had a while back but to no avail. About that time the horse decided he was done and walked within nearly two feet of me but I dared not touch him. As he sauntered down the road a few men came by and grabbed the horse and threw a rope around his neck. I suppose they were either leading him out of town or maybe he did in fact belong to someone! :) At any rate, I am not entirely certain what the message is or was but I am hoping to meditate on it some and see if anything comes to me!! As a really cool side note (speaking of animals), I was told by one of the women in my group (Becky) that Dharma means “right action” in India so I guess I made the right decision with her!!
I am truly with the most diverse group of people! We have an actress, an author and blogger, a teacher, a dentist, a nanny, a safari tour owner (yes…from South Africa), a rancher couple, a chef, a few healers (different modes of healing, and a few that are retired or not working at present! Systems Analyst just fits in so nicely, huh? LOL They are all so spiritually knowledgeable as well!! So for all my friends that say that I am so spiritual…I will tell you that I am completely out of my element during some of our discussions!! LOL But I figure I am learning a lot! :) Lots of juicing and raw food eating conversations too! I am sure my family can’t wait for my return now, right honey? Ha ha
Our service this morning was in three languages…English, Portuguese, and German. Some parts were repeated and some were not. Different songs and prayers would be in different languages. But the “talk” was in broken English by a beautiful German man!! He talked about aligning your head with your heart. Like we need to focus on what thoughts we put out there. And that the heart needs to be open and we should work on that here and then carry it with us when we leave!! We sang everything from Amazing Grace (which always makes me cry), to Let it Be, and even He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands (which brought so much joy to my heart because I have loved that song since I was little). By the end of service nearly everyone was wiping their eyes! I am so thankful for waterproof mascara!
Meditation with Josie in a few hours and tomorrow is the sacred waterfall. Unfortunately, no pictures allowed as I have heard it is an amazing experience!! I will try to post tomorrow. Maybe I can find a curly hair pic Lynn…but I doubt it! LOL Today I wanted to look nice for the service but I blew my flat iron out and my hair dryer too on improper voltage! Thankfully my neighbor and another women in my group, Amethyst, loaned me her Thairapy flat iron (infrared non damaging…I am all over this)! Hope all is well with all of you! xo
March 24th, 2012
“If you are depressed, then you are living in the past. If you are anxious, then you are living in the future. If you are at peace then you are living in the moment.”
I heard this saying in the “current’ (energy) room at the Casa while praying and it resonated with me so much that I wanted to share it with you.
Speaking of the current room…I have never prayed/meditated this much in my life! And YES…I mean cumulatively! LOL. Wednesday afternoon I prayed in the pew with legs and arms uncrossed and eyes closed (you are not allowed to open your eyes because it will break the current) from 1:30pm - 4:45pm and then again on Thursday from 7:30am - 10:30ish am and 1:30pm - 5:15pm. At one point Thursday afternoon we heard a helicopter fly overhead ( and still could not open our eyes) and we were later told it was somebody rich and famous that went before John of God. No one would say who but there was some speculation that it was Oprah. However, I believe Oprah would have gone through the entire experience…not just “popped” in for a healing. More importantly…you were all in my prayers so I hope you had a good few days last week! J
Wednesday morning was the day we went before John of God/the entities. A few people were not scheduled for surgery this week but nearly half of my group was schedule for Wednesday afternoon surgery and the other half for Thursday morning EXCEPT…yup…you guessed it…ME! I was scheduled for Friday morning. I was the only one which only added to my feelings of loneliness and isolation here. It is pretty apparent that there is a lesson for me to learn from being alone! Hahaha
After surgery we are in complete isolation and required to stay in bed as much as possible. For 24 hours we cannot leave our room, talk to anyone, shower, read, write, or listen to music (except non-guided meditative music so I listed to the Moses Code over and over and over which is actually beautiful but I think I can hum it by heart now). My food was brought to my room by the staff and a few of the girls from my group brought me fruit smoothies from a great café down the road. I seriously thought the 24 hour isolation wouldn’t be bad after the endless hours of praying which was actually beautiful but physically uncomfortable at times. But boy was I wrong!!!! Imagine…24 hours in bed in Brazil!?!?!? I got to the point where I was going so stir crazy that I began laughing out loud at myself!! This was a sight to see! My post-operative instructions are the prescribed herbs and no exercise or direct sun for 7 days! A bit of a bummer on the exercise and sunshine, huh!?!? I now walk the streets with an umbrella in the beautiful sun!
The surgery itself I hear is a different experience for everyone. Physical surgeries are rare but still occur. I met a woman from Australia (named Breet) that had physical eye surgery 8 days ago and only felt slight pain for 24 hours. She is seeing better already but may not know the full benefits for months. Also on Thursday there was a physical surgery performed but because I was holding current with my eyes closed…I obviously could not see it! J
Here many people believe that every sickness is tied with the inability to forgive; once you forgive…you will be healed. This is unless it is your “time”. Interesting huh? After some very deep reflection I personally believe there is truth to this.
During my surgery which took place in the third current room with about thirty other people, I actually felt activity at the base of my skull and upward on the right side, near the temple region of the left and then in my chest area as well as a few minor twinges in my right knee and hip area. I was told you can have up to 9 surgeries at one time if you are strong enough but without asking we don’t necessarily know how many surgeries or for what ailments. Anyone know what the right side of the skull is? During the course of the next 24 hours I felt additional twinges as if they continued to work on me. I acquired a very bad headache and a slight cough as well….for ONLY the 24 hour period. I was very weak and tired. I am still dizzy today and have felt this most of the days. I have been told it is my sensitivity to the intense amount of energy here. I feel better after taking crystal baths which seem to balance me. A few people in my group were physically ill after surgeries and one had a fever that lasted just a few hours beyond her 24 hour period. It is pretty incredible. At any rate, for 24 hours I talked to God so as you can imagine…we are pretty tight right now and life it looking very clear to me! One of the most powerful things that came through for me was that we should not think with our head but rather we should feel with our heart as the truth lies there. Pretty, huh? Also something I seem to have known a long time…just with more conviction now.
I know this is a lot to read…sorry…I just wanted to get it all down! On a lighter note…although I won’t be coming back a bronzed goddess…my skin looks the best it has ever looked! All of our meals are predominately vegetables (both raw and cooked). There is typically some chicken, soy or tofu and rice and beans but there are so many veggies you don‘t require much of anything else. Twice since I have been here there has been pasta. There is also ALWAYS fruit (papaya, watermelon, and lots of pineapple). Dummy me ate the papaya seeds the first night…this is NOT recommended! LOL.
And for those of you wondering about the hair….it was a losing battle that the hair won…I look like a granola girl with the curly/frizzy hair…I had to give in…I am limiting the pictures that get out! LOL
A few side notes, I have herbs bagged separately for all of you that wanted herbs AND you will be getting twenty dollars back as it was actually $50 Reais each which is pretty close to forty US. And for the two people that owe me…lets call it forty unless you can find the exact exchange…might be like $37 or something. I am good with whatever. At the end of your prescription, if you feel called to take more then please feel free to send an updated photo to Josie or let me know and I will help with this process. Also, please know I have not posted much because the power goes out frequently and when we do have power we often times do not have internet. And most of the time…my phone doesn’t work but every once in a while a text seems to sneak through.
In closing I will tell you that I already know myself better than before I started this journey. I have clarification on many things and I feel a renewed and stronger faith (although it is fair to say that I have doubted many things, many times here but I know it has only been from my head not my heart…but I will save that for a separate “blog“…lol). Sunday Mass is held at the Casa from 9-10 and Monday we go to the Sacrad Waterfall…can’t wait to tell you about that!! Oh and please continue to keep me in your prayers and let me know how you all are doing…I love to read your messages! And for my beautiful friends that are healers…unfortunately, I was just recently told by Josie that I am not allowed to have any healing work from now until forty days after my surgery. This includes acupuncture and chiropractic work. Bummer huh?
Thank you all so much for your wonderful wishes! xo
March 20th, 2012
Arrived yesterday in Abadiania. The flight was long and uncomfortable...no real sleep to speak of. The landscape as we were flying in was just breathtaking! So much so that I cried. I was completely overwhelmed by the vastness, rolling hills and sheer beauty of it all.
Pictures were turned in yesterday. They will be reviewed and some of you may be asked to come down. Josie reassured us that this does not mean there is anything to worry about....it simply means that it is believed you will benefit from a visit to the casa. For those of you requesting herbs, your pictures will be brought before John of God and the entities on Thursday. For those of you that sent a picture with me but did not request herbs, your pictures will be placed in a basket next to John of God tomorrow and will remain there for a few months as you are worked on by the entities of the casa. Be sure to stay open! :)
I have had so many experiences in just two days that it is hard to believe!! First, we went to the casa yesterday and said a prayer to "introduce ourselves". During this prayer I was overcome by emotions and suddenly felt a hand on my hand. I opened my eyes to find that there was no one there. And last night as I was journaling in the journal Carolyn gave to me as a gift for my trip, I noticed this symbol on the bottom of the page and thought "that looks familar". I realized there was a symbol just like it (very similiar) on ONE tile in my bathroom (like a signature or something)! I took a picture will try to post it at some point. I will save some stories for when I come home!
I cut vegetables (potatoes actually) this morning at 7:30 am for tomorrow's soup at the Casa! Yes you heard correctly...ME...cutting veggies and SOCIALIZING before 9 am! And think about it, it was actually 6:30 EST. I also went for a run this afternoon but it was after a very heavy rain and the fog was so dense on this trail that I turned around and ran up and down the road through town. I had walked the trail earlier with this amazing woman, Mary from BC, that I met and I will post pictures of the view.
I listened to the roseary in Portuguese this evening and just returned a little while ago. I was lucky to get the internet access and so I thought I would type a bit. Tomorrow is my big day before John of God. My white clothes are laid out and I am anxious but I need to sleep (after I talk to my husband and my boys quick - if I can get through). Hope all is well with everyone!
March 9th, 2012
As I feverishly pack and prepare for my trip to Brazil to visit John of God for both physical and spiritual healing, I can't help but wonder what this adventure has in store for me. How will this impact me? Will my life be different when I come back? Is it even possible to experience something like this and remain the same person?
If you had told me six months ago that I would be travelling to Brazil (alone), I would have laughed and told you how wrong you were. I had too many demands...my children, my job, my home, etc. I would have convinced not only you but myself as well that I could never leave my family for that long.
But six months ago I was different...everyone and everything else came first. Then on 11/17/2011 I was diagnosed (and I won't use the word because I will not give it any power) and with that diagnosis came a shift inward. I suddenly became important and from that day forward I vowed to take care of myself first. I had to make that commitment; I believed it was life or death. And so with this second chance I will continue on my path of self discovery and share with you all that I learn, knowing that the more I nurture and love myself, the more love I will have for others.